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“And how hard is it to land even a minimum-wage job? This year, the Ivy League college admissions acceptance rate was 8.9%. Last year, when Walmart opened its first store in Washington, D.C., there were more than 23,000 applications for 600 jobs, which resulted in an acceptance rate of 2.6%, making the big box store about twice as selective as Harvard and five times as choosy as Cornell. Telling unemployed people to get off their couches (or out of the cars they live in or the shelters where they sleep) and get a job makes as much sense as telling them to go study at Harvard.”
08/03/2014 09:38
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chamberlain:

I was secretly hoping that someone else would write some florid post about the magical experience of this weekend’s Movie Cram at UCB as yesterday I was too tired to express how I felt and just wanted to reblog with a “^this!!” and go back to bed.
Between midnight Friday and midnight Saturday, over 100 people collaborated to write, shoot, score, and edit a full-length comedy movie. 20 directors, 13 writers, 8 musicians, 70+ actors, and a fistful of producers did this, and it was NOT A HUGE MESS and ACTUALLY ASTOUNDINGLY FUNNY and I HOPE IT IS ONLINE SOON. The movie, A New McDonalds, is about three best friends who love McDonalds so much they decide to open a McDonalds of their very own in their apartment. It is great.
L-R around table: Pat O’Brien, Ben Wietmarschen, Micheal Pielocik, Dan Mirk, Dan Chamberlain, Shaun Diston, Brandon Gulya, Georgie Aldaco, Kate Vatter, Benjamin Apple, Kathy Salerno, Glenn Boozan, Matt Mayer, Melinda Taub, Zack Poitras, Zack Phillips. Photo by Matt Klinman.

chamberlain:

I was secretly hoping that someone else would write some florid post about the magical experience of this weekend’s Movie Cram at UCB as yesterday I was too tired to express how I felt and just wanted to reblog with a “^this!!” and go back to bed.

Between midnight Friday and midnight Saturday, over 100 people collaborated to write, shoot, score, and edit a full-length comedy movie. 20 directors, 13 writers, 8 musicians, 70+ actors, and a fistful of producers did this, and it was NOT A HUGE MESS and ACTUALLY ASTOUNDINGLY FUNNY and I HOPE IT IS ONLINE SOON. The movie, A New McDonalds, is about three best friends who love McDonalds so much they decide to open a McDonalds of their very own in their apartment. It is great.

L-R around table: Pat O’Brien, Ben Wietmarschen, Micheal Pielocik, Dan Mirk, Dan Chamberlain, Shaun Diston, Brandon Gulya, Georgie Aldaco, Kate Vatter, Benjamin Apple, Kathy Salerno, Glenn Boozan, Matt Mayer, Melinda Taub, Zack Poitras, Zack Phillips. Photo by Matt Klinman.

10/27/2013 23:41
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Please buy my books, wherever books are sold.

  • Atop Glenn’s Barn: A Novel 
  • Those “For Dummies” Books For Dummies!: An Authorized Parody
  • Find Gerard’s Wound - A Poke & See Book
  • Who Did The 9/11: A Amateur Investagton [Kingle Single]
  • The Spookiest Dog
  • America: A Dirge Of Woe by Lindsey Graham [ghostwritten]
  • Blood Milk: Why The Billion Dollar Milk Industry Is The #1 Threat To Every Freedom We Hold Dear
  • The Way To Way: How To Laugh, Life, And Love Your Way Through A New You
  • Poor People Talk Funny: The Hit Twitter Feed Is Now A Book!
  • Is It Brian?: My Hunt For The Zodiac Killer
  • The Aruba Contingent: A Burn Notice Adventure
  • Tears In The Sink
  • Flirty Minutes Or Less [The long-awaited sequel to Pizza Gals]
  • In Defense Of Milk

And pick up my 12-part fantasy series, The WyndMage Chronicles: Dispatches From The Neverwhen [A Cycle of Triptychs]

  1. The Bones of Space
  2. A Sack of Wind
  3. The Moon-Sorcerer’s Cotillion
  4. Death From Around
  5. Chaos Wears A Wizard Hat
  6. Who Weeps For Bloodzilla?
  7. BadSkull Ascends
  8. You Don’t Mess With The Zohan
  9. Destiny’s Breeze
  10. Crossroads Of Torsos
  11. A Waltz For Horatio
  12. The Final De-Marrowing
08/18/2013 08:40
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03/06/2013 00:23
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puppytube:

haven’t posted a finished drawing in a long time, weh!
Anyway, for those unaware, The Onion has been doing this fantastic web series called Sex House that my friends & I are kiiiind of obsessed with, the first episode is here and there are currently seven episodes 
I won’t spoil anything but It starts off seeming like it’s going to be your average ~SEXY YOUNG PEOPLE~ reality show parody, but it quickly turns into something else entirely. It’s a really fantastic satire on the dangers of how sex is treated in advertising, television, etc., with a lot of metacommentary on various sorts of harmful attitudes towards sex in general. I recommend it! I wanna draw something better for it later
FAIR WARNING: It gets really dark and really gross really fast, in every sense that that implies. Some folks may be better off not watching it, if you feel it may upset you. Just a heads up !

Holy hell, look at this awesome thing! I love it!
(And if this amazing image piques your interest, catch up on Sex House here.)

puppytube:

haven’t posted a finished drawing in a long time, weh!

Anyway, for those unaware, The Onion has been doing this fantastic web series called Sex House that my friends & I are kiiiind of obsessed with, the first episode is here and there are currently seven episodes

I won’t spoil anything but It starts off seeming like it’s going to be your average ~SEXY YOUNG PEOPLE~ reality show parody, but it quickly turns into something else entirely. It’s a really fantastic satire on the dangers of how sex is treated in advertising, television, etc., with a lot of metacommentary on various sorts of harmful attitudes towards sex in general. I recommend it! I wanna draw something better for it later

FAIR WARNING: It gets really dark and really gross really fast, in every sense that that implies. Some folks may be better off not watching it, if you feel it may upset you. Just a heads up !

Holy hell, look at this awesome thing! I love it!

(And if this amazing image piques your interest, catch up on Sex House here.)

08/29/2012 17:08
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08/17/2012 16:20
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A Statement From The Wyford Chicken Company In Response To Recent Unpleasantness

For over 75 years, we here at Wyford Chicken have been committed to bringing high quality chicken and chicken products to America’s dinner tables. Nothing is more important to the Wyford family than healthy chickens and happy families. Which is why all of the recent talk about our chicken has hurt us so deeply.

Firstly, let’s take a look at the facts. While hundreds of people across the country have experienced symptoms of what the media has irresponsibly dubbed “the Chickenweeps,” and those hundreds of people did happen to eat Wyford chicken in the minutes before they began sobbing uncontrollably and making panicked chicken noises, there is no hard science to say that the two are definitively related.

Just because someone eats a delicious Wyford all natural white meat chicken patty and in the minutes that follow they start flapping towards the door like some kind of terrified factory farmed chicken, does not necessarily mean that Wyford chicken is to blame.

Oh, and to those who say that this is the ghosts of slaughtered chickens inhabiting the bodies of Wyford customers? That’s just irresponsible.

Has the drive-by media looked at each individual case to see if these “victims” had a history of depression or pecking at their family members? Of course not. Sure, those afflicted cannot create new memories and have virtually no prospects of ever experiencing joy again, and I’ll say it: that’s a tragedy. But unless I woke up in Soviet Russia this morning and no one told me, we still live in a country where you are innocent until proven guilty. And Wyford Chicken is innocent of any and all charges that may come our way.

And let’s say for the sake of argument that it comes out that Wyford chicken is causing the Chickenweeps… what then? Car accidents happen every day, but we don’t pull all the cars off the road! Should we recall millions of pounds of chicken just because a few people have had their brain chemistry radically altered? It doesn’t make sense, folks.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Science will prove that Chickenweeps is just another media scare not unlike SARS, the bird flu, and the Hamfrenzies that almost shut down Uncle Dad’s Ham Company in 2007.

What can you do to help the good people at Wyford Chicken, who are guilty of nothing but the crime of feeding hungry Americans for over 75 delicious years? Don’t let this hysteria fool you. Enjoy Wyford chicken with your family tonight. Why not try our new Zazzin’ Ranch Nuggets, made from genetically modified chickens that are born with ranch dressing for blood? Scrumptious and efficient. You’re gonna love ‘em.

Yours in chicken,

Rob Wyford

President & CEO

Wyford Chicken Co.

06/27/2012 10:04
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If they made a Herman’s Head about my brain it would just be this guy and every episode would end with him dropping everything into a tub of pudding, ruining both the papers and the pudding.

If they made a Herman’s Head about my brain it would just be this guy and every episode would end with him dropping everything into a tub of pudding, ruining both the papers and the pudding.

05/23/2012 11:11
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tompeyer:

Glad I’m super / 
lowtalker: 

GPOY

tompeyer:

Glad I’m super / 

lowtalker

GPOY

(Source: nevver)

03/16/2012 10:46
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shitbirdsshitbirdseverywhere:

We’re thrilled to be featured on Onion News Network, Friday night at 10pm!

Only on IFC

12/01/2011 13:35
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creagheadcompany:

Join us at LITTLEFIELD on THURSDAY, DECEMBER 8 at 8 PM where we’ll be celebrating the release of PENDULOUS BREASTS QUARTERLY, a literary publication edited by Onion writer JOHN HARRIS.
With performances by
TODD BARRY, PANGEA 3000, JOE RANDAZZO, MATT KOFF, MICHAEL CHE
and music from
THE NATIONAL RESERVE and KELLI SCARR featuring WOLF!
Tickets are $12 in advance, $15 at the door, and include a copy of the bound, 88-page PENDULOUS BREASTS QUARTERLY

creagheadcompany:

Join us at LITTLEFIELD on THURSDAY, DECEMBER 8 at 8 PM where we’ll be celebrating the release of PENDULOUS BREASTS QUARTERLY, a literary publication edited by Onion writer JOHN HARRIS.

With performances by

TODD BARRY, PANGEA 3000, JOE RANDAZZO, MATT KOFF, MICHAEL CHE

and music from

THE NATIONAL RESERVE and KELLI SCARR featuring WOLF!

Tickets are $12 in advance, $15 at the door, and include a copy of the bound, 88-page PENDULOUS BREASTS QUARTERLY

(via pendulousbreastsquarterly)

11/21/2011 13:31
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fakerockstar:

Sometimes, The Internet rewards you. In honor of all my friends at The Onion, I share this. You should too.

fakerockstar:

Sometimes, The Internet rewards you. In honor of all my friends at The Onion, I share this. You should too.

10/07/2011 23:55
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Postscript: I’m writing a series of novels about a gentleman detective named “Gamely Fielding” just so you’re all aware.

09/08/2011 15:15
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I knew Superman. Superman was a friend of mine. Governor, you’re no Superman.

Hi. I care a lot about Superman and also not killing people, so here is a thing that is informed by that.

The New York Times, 9/3/11:

MANCHESTER, N.H. — You can just call him Superman.

At least, that’s what Governor Rick Perry of Texas told a nine-year-old boy at a Manchester house party Saturday, when the boy, Ari, asked him which superhero he would be, if he could posses superhuman powers.

“I’m going to show you my age a little bit, Ari, because I don’t know any of the real current superheroes,” Mr. Perry said, gamely fielding the question. “But there was one back in my day named Superman, and Superman came to save the United States.”

SOME BALLS, RICK PERRY!

Now, other people have written more eloquently about why Rick Perry is a maniac than I will here, but I feel compelled to WEIGH IN (watch out) because of the following fun fact. Get ready, because this fact is very fun.

Fun fact! In Superman’s DEBUT appearance, 1938’s Action Comics #1, his very FIRST act of heroism is saving an innocent woman from death rowIT IS THE FIRST THING HE DOES IN HIS FIRST ADVENTURE.

Compare that to Rick Perry, who last night garnered APPLAUSE for executing 234 people while he was governor of Texas, at least one of whom (science and good journalism both tell us) was more than likely innocent. There are questions about whether Perry actively hampered an investigation that would’ve proven Cameron Willingham innocent, but even if we give Perry the benefit of the doubt (sure, let’s do that), the whole business is still unbelievably revolting.

And just to say it, this is only one of quite a few ways in which Rick Perry is not Superman. I’m not going to go into every one of them here, but I could. Know that.

Though Superman also delivers the “real murderess” to the authorities in Action #1 (presumably for an off-panel electrocution), in later years his anti-killing stance would become much more explicit. 1988’s Superman #22 had him play executioner for three Phantom Zone criminals (real baddies!), an act that haunted Superman for years afterwards and informed his policy that no matter how horrid the crime, to kill is to kill is to kill.

The justice system is not infallible, and the death penalty has almost certainly killed innocent people multiple times over. But even if it were just a fraction of a doubt about ONE person, that should be all anyone needs to oppose it 100%.

(Sidebar: I genuinely don’t get why people who don’t trust government institutions enough to let them teach kids or build mass transit or collect taxes think that letting them kill folks is just aces. Maybe this question naive, but it is for reals a question that is in my brain that I do not know the answer to.)

Hey dumb Rick Perry: Just dumbly call yourself The Punisher (who is dumb) and get it over with, dumb-dumb.

09/08/2011 15:10
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Pam! Pam! Pam!

Pam! Pam! Pam!

08/16/2011 09:48
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