And pick up my 12-part fantasy series, The WyndMage Chronicles: Dispatches From The Neverwhen [A Cycle of Triptychs]
For over 75 years, we here at Wyford Chicken have been committed to bringing high quality chicken and chicken products to America’s dinner tables. Nothing is more important to the Wyford family than healthy chickens and happy families. Which is why all of the recent talk about our chicken has hurt us so deeply.
Firstly, let’s take a look at the facts. While hundreds of people across the country have experienced symptoms of what the media has irresponsibly dubbed “the Chickenweeps,” and those hundreds of people did happen to eat Wyford chicken in the minutes before they began sobbing uncontrollably and making panicked chicken noises, there is no hard science to say that the two are definitively related.
Just because someone eats a delicious Wyford all natural white meat chicken patty and in the minutes that follow they start flapping towards the door like some kind of terrified factory farmed chicken, does not necessarily mean that Wyford chicken is to blame.
Oh, and to those who say that this is the ghosts of slaughtered chickens inhabiting the bodies of Wyford customers? That’s just irresponsible.
Has the drive-by media looked at each individual case to see if these “victims” had a history of depression or pecking at their family members? Of course not. Sure, those afflicted cannot create new memories and have virtually no prospects of ever experiencing joy again, and I’ll say it: that’s a tragedy. But unless I woke up in Soviet Russia this morning and no one told me, we still live in a country where you are innocent until proven guilty. And Wyford Chicken is innocent of any and all charges that may come our way.
And let’s say for the sake of argument that it comes out that Wyford chicken is causing the Chickenweeps… what then? Car accidents happen every day, but we don’t pull all the cars off the road! Should we recall millions of pounds of chicken just because a few people have had their brain chemistry radically altered? It doesn’t make sense, folks.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. Science will prove that Chickenweeps is just another media scare not unlike SARS, the bird flu, and the Hamfrenzies that almost shut down Uncle Dad’s Ham Company in 2007.
What can you do to help the good people at Wyford Chicken, who are guilty of nothing but the crime of feeding hungry Americans for over 75 delicious years? Don’t let this hysteria fool you. Enjoy Wyford chicken with your family tonight. Why not try our new Zazzin’ Ranch Nuggets, made from genetically modified chickens that are born with ranch dressing for blood? Scrumptious and efficient. You’re gonna love ‘em.
Yours in chicken,
President & CEO
Wyford Chicken Co.
Postscript: I’m writing a series of novels about a gentleman detective named “Gamely Fielding” just so you’re all aware.
Hi. I care a lot about Superman and also not killing people, so here is a thing that is informed by that.
MANCHESTER, N.H. — You can just call him Superman.
At least, that’s what Governor Rick Perry of Texas told a nine-year-old boy at a Manchester house party Saturday, when the boy, Ari, asked him which superhero he would be, if he could posses superhuman powers.
“I’m going to show you my age a little bit, Ari, because I don’t know any of the real current superheroes,” Mr. Perry said, gamely fielding the question. “But there was one back in my day named Superman, and Superman came to save the United States.”
SOME BALLS, RICK PERRY!
Now, other people have written more eloquently about why Rick Perry is a maniac than I will here, but I feel compelled to WEIGH IN (watch out) because of the following fun fact. Get ready, because this fact is very fun.
Fun fact! In Superman’s DEBUT appearance, 1938’s Action Comics #1, his very FIRST act of heroism is saving an innocent woman from death row. IT IS THE FIRST THING HE DOES IN HIS FIRST ADVENTURE.
Compare that to Rick Perry, who last night garnered APPLAUSE for executing 234 people while he was governor of Texas, at least one of whom (science and good journalism both tell us) was more than likely innocent. There are questions about whether Perry actively hampered an investigation that would’ve proven Cameron Willingham innocent, but even if we give Perry the benefit of the doubt (sure, let’s do that), the whole business is still unbelievably revolting.
And just to say it, this is only one of quite a few ways in which Rick Perry is not Superman. I’m not going to go into every one of them here, but I could. Know that.
Though Superman also delivers the “real murderess” to the authorities in Action #1 (presumably for an off-panel electrocution), in later years his anti-killing stance would become much more explicit. 1988’s Superman #22 had him play executioner for three Phantom Zone criminals (real baddies!), an act that haunted Superman for years afterwards and informed his policy that no matter how horrid the crime, to kill is to kill is to kill.
The justice system is not infallible, and the death penalty has almost certainly killed innocent people multiple times over. But even if it were just a fraction of a doubt about ONE person, that should be all anyone needs to oppose it 100%.
(Sidebar: I genuinely don’t get why people who don’t trust government institutions enough to let them teach kids or build mass transit or collect taxes think that letting them kill folks is just aces. Maybe this question naive, but it is for reals a question that is in my brain that I do not know the answer to.)
Hey dumb Rick Perry: Just dumbly call yourself The Punisher (who is dumb) and get it over with, dumb-dumb.